MarySmith’sPlace – Cancerdiary#31 #randomthoughts #randomphotos

Friday 16 April: This is going to be a brief update (do I hear sighs of relief all round????) and I’m aware I’m a couple of days late if this is a weekly update.

My breathlessness and coughing continued to lessen and I felt better, both physically and emotionally (as long as I didn’t/don’t think about the next scan and its result). On Wednesday, the Lung Specialist Nurse, and as I don’t name names on this blog I really ought to pin down what his title is, called to see how I was doing.

I was doing fine. I hardly coughed during our conversation. When I asked about my last blood tests he said the CRP (C – reactive protein), that marker of infection or inflammation was within the normal range. Wow! After only a week the steroids had got on top of the pneumonitis. Chuffed!

He said I sounded well and positive and elated and before I started to backtrack and say things like ‘well, today things seem fine but…’ or ‘we don’t know if this is really an upturn’ or … I remembered a comment from Kim Ayres on my last update: “Not allowing our optimism now, will in no way prepare us, or cushion the blow if negative news comes along. It’s too big. So if it happens, we wasted those chances to feel good.” I decided I wanted to agree with the Specialist Nurse – I was feeling decidedly better than when we last met and he could tell the oncologist so and that I was not sounding as grumpy and bad-tempered as usual.

Bought this at Tesco last year – have no idea what it is. It looks like it’s going to be huge,

Wednesday was also when I was doing my talk in the evening for Aberdeen City Library on routes to publication and selling your book once it’s out there. I think the title of the talk was a bit snappier than that. I did my prep. I think the talk went well. The organiser has been in touch and said the feedback has been excellent, which is very pleasing. It makes me feel I can get back to this kind of work – helping and encouraging other writers. Despite a cancer diagnosis it is possible to carry on with ‘normal’ creative practices.

What did annoy me, however, was the number of ‘no shows’. The talk was fully booked with a waiting list. On the day of the talk, a few people contacted the organiser to cancel and she was able to give places to people on the waiting list. Three people were still on the waiting list a few minutes before we went live but did not get the chance to join despite several people not showing up for the talk. Perhaps some, to give them the benefit of the doubt, had technical problems but not all. I have to say I feel signing up for events online and not turning up without sending timely apologies is disrespectful to the organisers of the event who put in huge amounts of time and energy, to the guest speaker and to other potential audience members who could not attend because the event was fully booked and over-subscribed.

Please, please, don’t regard online events as something to sign up to even though you know you might not (probably won’t) attend. Signing up should be a commitment in the same way as buying a ticket for a literature festival event or a concert.

From the organiser of several library events: “The British Library has found it beneficial to charge for their events. Consider people obviously attach more value to something they have paid for – even if just a very small amount.  It is something we are considering.”

Part of the ‘osprey walk’ at Threave Castle

I did enjoy doing the talk though at the end of the official part of it I felt we should be sitting together having a really good blether, preferably with a glass of wine in hand (looking at you John Nelson) about writing, publishing, the ridiculous behaviour of publishers instead of saying a stilted goodbye.

What has any of this to do with lung cancer and not knowing what the next scan will show? Absolutely nothing and absolutely everything.

Random photos will have appeared throughout this blog. I haven’t been to see any new lambs but have managed a couple of visits to the garden (mainly thinking about how small my garden is until I’ve lost a precious earring and then it seems to be enormous), the osprey walk.

Oh, and I’ve had my second Covid vaccination and should be fully protected by the time I do the next update. And if all of this (brief? Yeah right,) update seems a bit disjointed and a bit rambling it’s because I’ve drunk a lot of red wine (apologies to non-drinkers) – and I’m still alive.

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Circle of hell: Cancer Diary #28

Saturday, 27 March: After such a gap, this will be a long post so grab a coffee or a glass of wine and some cake. At the end of my last diary entry on March 10 I still, despite antibiotics, had a hacking cough. On Monday 15 I had more bloods taken at the health centre. The practice nurse thought I felt a bit warm, took my temperature and spoke to the GP who was able to see me after the last patient. Stronger antibiotics and a codeine-based cough syrup prescribed.

Just after 6pm the GP called to say my CRP (C-reactive protein, which can be an infection marker, or indicate inflammation such as in pneumonitis, caused by radiation) was, at 128, much higher than before and wanted me to go straight to the CAU (combined assessment unit) at the hospital. Someone there knew I was coming in. Hah! That person must have gone off duty by the time I turned up, rang the buzzer and waited in the cold for ten minutes before someone came to fetch me.

Admitted at 7pm, nursing staff did the basic observations. Fortunately, I’d had experience of being in the unit before when I had the pulmonary embolism so I knew patients’ drinking water must come from a deep well guarded by multi-headed monsters and had brought some with me. I wasn’t offered any. Everyone on the unit is “very busy”. At midnight, a doctor came to examine me. She prescribed intravenous antibiotics, booked me for an x ray – and said I could have a couple of paracetamol to bring my temperature down.

A cannula was fitted for the IV antibiotic, a Covid test was carried out – then nothing happened for a while until just before 2am two people arrived to take me for the x ray – but the nurse wanted to put in the IV antibiotic first and made them wait. I was still waiting for the paracetamol – they had to check the doctor had written up that I could have it. Finally, roughly two hours after seeing the doctor I got paracetamol to bring down my temperature – and, I hoped, so something about the banging headache I had.

TOP TIPS for being admitted to a “very busy” NHS assessment unit – bring in plenty of drinking water; have a packet of paracetamol hidden in your handbag or trouser pocket; and a wee packet of oatcakes to provide sustenance. Unfortunately, I’d only managed to bring water.

The drip was put up. When it gave the two minute warning bleep that it was about to finish, I pressed the buzzer. After a while, I got up, opened the door and stood in full view of every member of staff until someone finally came to see what I wanted. I was told the drip would finish in a couple of minutes. I asked if she would hear it bleeping or should I press the buzzer? She said she’d hear it. If she did, she was ignoring it – and my buzzer. Again, I opened the door and waited until asked what I wanted. I explained the drip was finished (of which she was well aware) and I was desperate to go to the loo – was told to unplug it at the wall and take the drip stand into the loo. Fine, but that does not stop the bleeping.

For another forty minutes I listened to the bleep and the buzzers buzzing all around before a nurse finally removed the drip, though not before letting me know there were patients with more serious issues than waiting for an IV line to be removed – so that was me told. Well, maybe, it was true, but I’d been coughing constantly for days, was breathless on any exertion, had a high temperature and was exhausted, desperate to sleep. I just wanted it all to stop and told her every minute spent here was making a trip to Switzerland and DIGNITAS more and more appealing. She said it wasn’t a nice thing to say. I wondered if she knew how not nice it felt. She offered me a cup of tea. Said she could probably even find a biscuit.

Early in the morning they moved me into a different room. As I was being pushed along the corridor, sitting on my bed heaped with my belongings, a nursing assistant said she’d managed to find me a breakfast. I told her I loved her. She brought a tray which contained not only breakfast, but a jug of fresh water.

The doctor appeared on the morning round, with the doctor from last night and some students. Said the x ray showed a lung infection (didn’t tell me he’d decided it was community acquired pneumonia – that little nugget came from the DH who was told when he called to find out what was happening) and I’d continue with the IV and oral antibiotics. Said he’d seen my tumour on the X ray (really?) Then followed a squirm-making commentary on how I had to face up to some serious decisions about whether or not I would want to be admitted to an ICU, be put on a ventilator, have ribs broken if I didn’t have a signed DNR … It made me query the seriousness of the infection I have. He assured me it would respond to the treatment – he was talking about the future.

I realised I wasn’t going to get home which meant I was going to have to pull out of the Mining Memories creative writing workshop I was to deliver the next day. I felt so bad at letting people down and so disappointed that the one ‘normal’ working activity since my cancer diagnosis wasn’t going to happen. Spent some time ringing the organiser and my friend, writer Margaret Elphinstone, who I hoped could step in. She did, which was a huge weight off my shoulders. The talk on publishing and marketing has been postponed until April 14, by which time I hope to be able to talk for more than five minutes without coughing.

You, know, I’m not going to give a blow by blow account of the rest of my time in the CAU – one of Dante’s circles of hell. This post could become the length of a novella. I queried the pneumonia diagnosis a few times but, hey, I didn’t do any medical training so what do I know about how long it takes for antibiotics to start to treat an infection. They made not one tiny bit of difference – coughing did not ease, breathlessness increased, for the first time ever my oxygen saturation stats were low and my temperature continued to climb. At least by day two of my incarceration it was taking less than two hours to give me paracetamol to lower my temperature. My CRP (an infection marker or a sign of inflammation) had risen from the 128 which concerned my GP to 200.

I’d fallen out with most of the staff over various issues – like not bringing me something to spit into after using the nebulizer to try to loosen phlegm. Excuse for not providing the container – “Your cough hasn’t been productive.” The timings of the IV antibiotics (I know they weren’t actually doing any good but I harboured a vague hope that if administered as prescribed they might) so one occasion the 4pm dose was going to be at 4.30 but the cannula had ‘tissued’ and had to be removed. The nurse struggled to insert another and after a couple of goes asked a junior doctor who said they’d be along after seeing two patients. It was well over an hour later when the doctor arrived, put in the cannula – but wouldn’t give the antibiotic (nurse’s job) so I waited again. It was finally administered about 7.20pm, over 12 hours after the previous one. I used to think timings of medication mattered, were important. Silly me.

I was suddenly moved to a ward. When a nurse came to give my antibiotic I pointed out it was only three hours since my last dose. They checked and said it showed on the computer it had been raised at 4.20pm – so even though the dose hadn’t been administered then, that’s what showed on the computer.  

View from the ward window, somewhat hindered by the blinds – and the window doesn’t open.

The consultant who came in the morning (the one who first told me about my tumour back in July) said she doesn’t think its pneumonia and suspects pneumonitis – in which case antibiotics will do nothing as pneumonitis requires steroids. She orders a CT scan, which I have done at 5.30pm. Next morning the scan report proves her suspicions were correct. I started on steroids – temperature subsided immediately and when there were no further spikes I was allowed to come home. I’m still coughing and am very breathless. I hope it improves soon. If I sit very still and quiet and don’t talk, the coughing isn’t so bad. Maybe the universe is simply trying to make me stop talking!

In case you are reading this and thinking, “She’s a right old ‘Moaning Minnie’, full of complaints and criticisms,” I should say they were validated by various members of staff – nurses and doctors – both on the CAU and on the ward.  

There is some good news – maybe. Although the CT scan was to see if I did have pneumonitis, it obviously showed up the tumour and there has been some reduction in size. I have an appointment with the oncologist on Monday at which I will learn more about what’s actually happening to the cancer – as opposed to the side effucks from the radiotherapy.

I hope my next update will be a lot sooner.

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Cancer Diary #26 – all kinds of medical questions; so far without answers

Wednesday, March 03: My appointment with the oncologist was on Monday morning. I felt bad when the receptionist asked if I was coughing or had any other signs of Covid but I wasn’t going to miss the chance of seeing the oncologist so I shook my head.

When I mentioned it to the oncologist, she said they’d do a Covid test just to be sure. I agreed as long as someone carried it out as I know there is no way on earth I could shove an extra-long cotton bud down my throat to meet my tonsils, nor up my nose towards my brain. The specialist nurse said he’d do it. I did wonder if that might be the end of our barely-begun relationship. It was good to meet the person who has so far been a voice on the phone – can’t really say what he looks like because as we (I) were running late this morning, I left the house without my glasses so couldn’t see very much.

My list of questions wasn’t really very long: Is the breathlessness and the cough symptoms of a side effuck such as pneumonitis? If so, what’s the treatment, how long will I have it and what’s the prognosis?

As it was too early to have the scan done, I’d assumed this consultation would be a bit of a formality. Oh, no. The consultant did a thorough examination, including a fair bit of prodding at my neck. My blood pressure was very high and though she did say it was possibly because of seeing her, I should check it over the next few days. Oxygen levels were 100% so then she had me marching me up and down the corridor with her to check the levels of breathlessness and pulse rate.

It was as we were about to go back into the consultation room, she asked me about my friend, Sue – floodgates opened. She was apologetic about the timing of her question but as she said, when I’d stemmed the flow of tears, “There are no words.” Probably the best things she could say.

I explained we were going to meet with a mutual friend, Barb from Arran but currently locked down in Florence, on Zoom that afternoon, so she sent me off to get an X ray done immediately as sometimes there can be a wait and she wanted me to be on time. The specialist nurse did the Covid test (almost painless), and I had an armful of bloods taken.

The oncologist thought she might have felt a swollen lymph node in my neck – but couldn’t say for sure if it was that or if it was inflammation from the radiation. As she doesn’t like not being sure, she has decided bring forward the scan to see what’s going on.

Yesterday, the Covid test came back negative so I asked the specialist nurse what else could be causing the breathlessness and the cough if it’s not Covid and not pneumonitis. Is it, in fact, the tumour tweaking its tail? Is it growing instead of shrinking? Blocking my airways as it did before chemotherapy reduced it? He said there was a possibility of scarring of the lung tissue. That would be permanent. I’d always be breathless.

Today, specialist nurse said the bloods were all good apart from raised C-reactive protein (CRP) and would I mind arranging a urine test. That’s gone off for testing. I do think they should give you the label to attach to the sample container after it has been filled – and dried. Just a thought.

I’m a bit more worried than I was first thing on Monday morning before the consultation. It seems to have been such a medical-focussed couple of days and it seems a lot more things could be not going quite right.

As for the fatigue – “rest, don’t try to do too much” – so the contents of the larder will remain all over the kitchen worktops for now. And she thinks a two-mile walk is a bit ambitious. Better to do shorter walks and not get so tired. Oh, and on top of all that, I’ve been summoned for a mammogram!

I promised more lambs!

And other signs of spring.

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Cancer Diary #23 – cast adrift on a sea of confusion

Wednesday 10, February: I had my first Covid vaccination on Thursday. If there were any side effects they were camouflaged by the radiation side effects – didn’t even have a sore arm. I don’t know when I’ll receive the second on – maybe in about 12 weeks, depending on supplies.

On Sunday, I managed to stay awake all day for the first time since I finished my treatment and went out for a short walk. We’ve escaped Storm Darcy’s snow but my goodness it was freezing – much too cold to take my gloves off to take photos. In the evening I tried a little glass of wine as the acid reflux has improved with the change of medication. Can’t say I particularly enjoyed it though.

Having been quite chirpy by bedtime on Sunday (it was a tiny glass of wine so it wasn’t that) I was bitterly disappointed on Monday to find I felt worse than ever. The radiation side effects were no worse: in fact, the ‘sunburn’ is now a small patch and the swallowing pain is manageable without pain relief. I do have to remember I can’t eat like I did before. I have to be much daintier. Always a fast gobble of an eater, if take too big a mouthful the pain on swallowing is dreadful so it has to be little bites. I can only say I felt like shit – a feeling which didn’t go away. And, I found I couldn’t sleep at night. Until now, no matter how many naps I took during the day it didn’t stop me sleeping at night. Now, I’m scarcely napping during the day and not sleeping at night.

I think it’s probably ‘scanxiety’ setting in early and to make matters worse it turns out the scan is not going to be six weeks – but 12 weeks after the end of radiotherapy. Last week, blogger Stevie Turner said she’d had to wait three months before her post-treatment scan. I just assumed it was because we had different cancers. Turns out I was wrong.

The specialist cancer nurse called today (and next week’s call is in our diaries). He mentioned I’d see the oncologist at the beginning of March for a six-week post-treatment review and said: “The follow up CT scan will be 12 weeks after the end of your treatment – and then if it’s necessary you may see the doctor.”

To say I was gobsmacked is a gross understatement. I raised my voice, I used the F-word, I cried. He explained the radiation continues working for more than the six weeks I thought, so there was no point in doing a scan until after 12 weeks. OK, I get that, I can understand that (still curious as to how I so thoroughly misunderstood the timings) but what I can’t get my head round is a review when the oncologist can’t know what’s happening to the tumours or the lymph nodes and yet after the CT scan it seems the oncologist might not deem it necessary for us to meet. That surely can’t be right, can it?

I did quite a lot of squawking about how wretched I feel and how I’m worried about my lack of energy and if this is as good as it’s going to get then I wish I hadn’t bothered going for the treatment. I tried to explain how cut adrift it feels – treatment finished, off you go, bye bye. He starts to worry about my mental health and asks if I’d like to talk to someone like my GP. I say I spoke to my GP last week. I don’t say I’ll write my blog tonight and that will sort out the depression – nor do I say, as I wish I had now (and will next week) that by continuing to let me talk – we got onto the subject of chips and mayo at one point – my mood did lift a bit. It’s not always talking about how we feel which helps, it’s feeling connected to another human.

And it’s lifting further tonight – phone conversations with two good friends, a bit of time in the garden breathing fresh air, writing this, realising that if I have until early April before the CT scan, I can be fairly confident no one expects me to kick the bucket in the meantime (they don’t, do they?) so I can look forward to spending time in the garden in March, maybe walking more. And it’s probably not expected I’ll die immediately after the scan so maybe I have some more months, even a year, to be here – just let them not be months of feeling like shit.

Speaking of which, the lactulose helped in the short term but having stopped all pain relief, there’s now no need for the laxatives – yay.  

Twelve weeks before finding out what’s going on inside my lung still seems a long, long time to wait.

MarySmith’sPlace ~ End of treatment – Cancer diary #20

Wednesday, 20 January: I find it quite mind-boggling it is twenty weeks since I started posting these cancer diary updates. That’s almost five months. When I posted the first one it was with the knowledge I would have maybe seven months to live if I chose not to have treatment. Without treatment I’d have maybe a couple of months left – but I don’t know how many more the treatment may have bought me. Cancer and uncertainty go hand in had.

When I posted my update last Monday I had only six more radiotherapy sessions left. Even as I crossed each one off the printed schedule the final session never seemed any closer.

Before heading off for radiotherapy last Tuesday morning, a quick look at my blog post had me in tears at the messages of support and good wishes and love from so many people from all around the world. After my radiation session I had my weekly consultation with the specialist nurse. I thought I’d pulled myself together by then but she immediately picked up on my emotional fragility. I admitted as it became tougher to deal with the side effects, it became harder to ignore the elephant in the room, which was the uncertainty of what result the radiotherapy, and the chemo before it, was going to bring. It’s going to be at least six weeks before I have a scan to see what’s happened – to learn if the treatment has bought a few extra months or a couple of years. Most of the time, I can consciously put that concern on one side with pragmatic me accepting there’s no point in worrying over something I can’t control – that, however, doesn’t stop my subconscious from dwelling on the questions – how much time? Will it be worth it? Will I be fit again or will I be an invalid for whatever amount of time has been bought?

The nurse said: “Because of Covid, I can’t give you the hug you need but I can cry with you.” As you can imagine, that almost did for me entirely but I wiped away the tears and suggested she get on with the checklist of questions about side effects. She said: “It is worse when someone’s nice, isn’t it?” I agreed and proceeded to tell her the pain on swallowing is worse and the tiredness. I showed her the pouch of fluid. She said she’d mention it to the doctor.

Fortunately, before Tuesday became a total soggy weep-fest I had something enjoyable to do in afternoon lined up. Last week, I wrote about the woman who was prompted to have a breast lump checked out after reading my blog. I wasn’t sure if she wished to remain anonymous but she said she didn’t mind so I can call her by her name – Sarah. After we met in Maggie’s last week we arranged to walk in the Botanical Gardens and it really boosted my spirits and, I hope, Sarah’s.

Grey Squirrel

It was a bright, crisp afternoon and I’m sure the gardens looked lovely. I remember we paused to look at a tulip tree and to mutter darkly about the presence of grey squirrels but mostly we talked, sharing family history stories and finding links between two families who are not connected – of course, we find a link – Clydesdale horses. It was so good to spend time with someone non-medical, just doing an ordinary non-cancer, non-Covid (apart from wearing masks and keeping two metres distance) thing. And if Matt Hancock wants to make any snide remarks about socialising rather than exercising I can show him the 14,000 steps I clocked up that day.  

Winter sunshine

On Wednesday I had an unexpected consultation with my oncologist who wanted to check out the fluid pouch. It seems to be a bit of soft tissue inflammation caused by the radiation and not anything particularly worrying – one of those ‘keep an eye on it’ things. She prescribed a different antacid as the one I’ve been taking is no longer available and she also prescribed an oral morphine for the pain. She said she thought I was tolerating the radiotherapy well – my skin showed little redness, my energy levels were good and I’d been managing the swallowing and heartburn. I’m hoping it means I’ve escaped the need for a feeding tube, even if the side effects continue to worsen for a couple of weeks after the end of treatment. Just in case I became too blasé, she reminded me of the risk of inflammation in the lungs four to six weeks after the end of radiotherapy, which can – rarely – be life threatening.

Me and Sarah after our walk

It’s probably no wonder after the emotional tensions of Tuesday and Wednesday plus the long walk in the Gardens I was pretty tired by the end of the week. The DH came to the Village hotel to collect me on Saturday. As I was leaving the receptionist presented me with a lovely pot plant, saying how much she would miss me and our brief chats at reception. Tears again – they seem never to be far away.

I slept most of the weekend and then it was Monday and the day of my last radiotherapy session. We made good time up the road and I was in and out in less than twenty minutes. It felt very strange –none of the expected feeling of jubilation that it was all over – just a very flat feeling. I walked out of the hospital carrying my mask and met the DH in Maggie’s as I wanted to say goodbye to the staff there and thank them for their support.

My radiotherapy schedule – as I’m the patient, I’m ignoring the need for patient confidentiality!

Back at home, I crawled into bed and was asleep within moments, only waking when the throat pain became too bad and I’d to dose myself with the morphine and the antacid. I’m mostly worried about not drinking enough and becoming dehydrated. Yesterday was spent mostly asleep. When I woke I tried to drink and eat and to cool down the skin on my chest. It looks like I have been sitting for hours in hot sunshine with no protection. A cold flannel feels soothing for a few minutes then the heat from my skin makes it become warm.

This morning when I took the morphine I promptly threw up. When the nurse called to see how I was doing, she wasn’t concerned about my vomiting and said I should try again to take it, maybe after eating something. I did and it stayed down.

I went to the dentist this afternoon and she sorted the dodgy tooth which had lost the temporary filling she put in the evening before I started chemo. She suggested putting the flannel in the freezer (though not to put it directly on my skin) and I tried that and it was wonderfully cooling.

I’ve been awake for longer today – possibly because I have taken less morphine – and I’ve found the energy to write this update, and I ate a big bowl of mashed potato oozing butter and grated cheese, which slipped down smoothly. I know, though, I’m skirting round the issue of whether or not this treatment will have been worthwhile and six weeks is a long time to push it out of my mind.

My mask – planter? art work? lamp? hide it in the attic?

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Radiographers Rock! Cancer diary#18

Monday 05, January 2021: I fully intended writing this update yesterday – fully intended doing a Zoom Pilates, class, too, and had packed my mat and the baggiest tee shirt I could find – but by the time I was checked into the hotel, and the DH left, I was done in. Leant back on the pillows and woke up too late for Pilates.

Last week I came up for three treatments, staying for two nights. I had my weekly meeting with the specialist nurse – a different from the previous week. Basically, they go through a check list of side effects from nausea to tiredness, from skin problems to appetite problems. So far, I’m glad to say I can say no to almost everything – except that the heartburn has returned. I was prescribed an antacid with Oxetacaine, a local anaesthetic – which I was assured would be helpful in easing the pain when my throat gets worse. It is described as peppermint flavour, a description written by someone who has clearly not swallowed it.

By then, tighter restrictions were in place and the hotel restaurant was closed, though they did offer a reduced room service menu. On my first night I received a call from an NHS Manager to apologise for how things were at the hotel. I said it was fine but she said someone had complained the previous night about the room service food and she was going to try to find alternative accommodation. I said I was happy with the location as I can walk to and from the hospital easily and didn’t really want to move so far away taxis would be involved – or, worse – be admitted to a ward. That last might not have been a terribly diplomatic thing to say to a hospital manager.  

I did try the room service food and it was horrible. Next day, I went to the filling station across the road which has a small but well-stocked Waitrose and filled a basket with lots of lovely tasty things for a picnic in my room.

I was asked to report to a different room and machine on Thursday because a paediatric patient who had to be under anaesthetic needed my room. My first thought was for the child’s mother who wouldn’t be able to stay in the room and must surely be beside herself with worry.

When I arrived for my radiotherapy on Thursday, a message came through from an NHS manager (a different one) to say on Monday I’d to report to the hospital and not check in at the hotel. This was on Hogmanay and I couldn’t imagine how alternative accommodation could be found over the New Year holiday weekend. I went home wondering and worrying about where I’d lay my head when I next went up for treatment.

Yesterday – Monday – the DH drove me back to Edinburgh for an 11am treatment session. A paper with a booking for a self-catering studio room was in the changing room. After the session – first time I’ve met a male radiographer! – the DH and I went to take a look. It’s in a very central location – central for the sights of Edinburgh, that is, but a long way from the hospital. If I was here on holiday and everything was open it would be perfect but it would take about an hour to walk to the hospital so I would need to depend on a taxi picking me up and taking me back. Now we are in full lockdown and this new strain of the Covid virus seems to be so much more virulent, I don’t fancy getting in taxis. Well, I could walk one way but I think a two-way walk might be too much, especially if it’s raining. And, Edinburgh is cold.

Fortunately, The Village was very happy to welcome me back. I feel bad the NHS never got in touch with them to explain why they had not made any bookings for patients this week. Perhaps if they had explained about the problems with the food, the staff could have done something to address them? They are certainly very happy to do anything they can – including installing an extra heater in my room. Did I say Edinburgh is very cold?

I’ve now had nine radiation treatments. Tomorrow I’ll reach the halfway mark. I’m still in awe of the technology. When I said I’d been watching YouTube videos because I couldn’t visualise how the machine revolved, the radiographer picked up the remote control and demonstrated how it revolves round me and under the table. Their patience and willingness to answer my questions is a delight. I think it’s because they are so proud of their work and their skills, they are keen to share their knowledge and give people a better insight into how radiotherapy works. Whatever, it is – as far as I’m concerned radiographers rock!

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Cancer Diary#17 What happens in the radiotherapy room

Monday, December 28: I’m about to pack my case for the next trip to the Edinburgh Cancer Centre tomorrow (actually, that’s rubbish I’ll be throwing things in the case at the last minute tomorrow morning!). Now I’ve had four treatments and know what to expect I’m less nervous than I was last week. Although, after five days of stuffing my face with Christmas fare. I’m a bit concerned my mask won’t fit me anymore.  

I seem to be the only person worried about the amount of weight I’ve gained – and am still gaining – since my diagnosis. Everyone else tells me it’s good because my body needs the calories to repair itself from the radiotherapy – plus, I may yet become unable to eat because of a very sore throat. My walk from hotel to hospital and back isn’t really going to do much for weight loss, nor is the food in the hotel. It is pub grub: burgers (which don’t come singly but in a ‘stack’ of two, chicken wings, wraps, fries – thin fries, lattice fries, sweet potato fries (are they less fattening?) and all in large portions. I chose a ‘super salad’ one night and it was enormous packed with quinoa, peas, broccoli, avocado and goodness knows what else.

I’ve only two nights there this week but after New Year I’ll be staying for five nights a week for two weeks. I have to do something or I’ll be the size of a bus. The receptionist did say the kitchen staff would be very accommodating if I wanted to request something different. A bowl of homemade soup would be welcome.

I know some of you already know about radiotherapy, having experienced it, but for those who aren’t sure what happens there’s an explanation on the Macmillan website here. I asked if I could take a photo of the machine. I have to stop myself from using expressions like sci-fi because, of course, this isn’t science fiction but science fact.

My mask waiting for on the table under the radiotherapy machine. The black objects on the mask are the screws.

Once I lie down, with my little bit of kitchen towel to protect my modesty, the radiographers fit my mask and fasten me into place – this sometimes takes a bit of faffing around to get it right but it doesn’t feel so bad now. The table I’m lying on is then raised. By then I have my eyes shut. And my mouth, though they assure me I can open my mouth. I haven’t tried it yet though on the last treatment my lips did twitch slightly in a smile. This was because, although I know there isn’t one, the machine makes a noise, which in my imagination sounds like a little robot on tiny metal feet scurrying from one side of the table, behind me to the other side to direct the next beam of radiation before scurrying back again. In fact the machine rotates.

They put the light out so I could capture the infrared beams which criss cross me – but I failed. Did get a close up of those screws!

Two YouTube videos show exactly how it works. The first one is short; the second one is longer and shows how different kinds of cancer are treated. Both give you the idea of how the machine works – though the second one is my favourite with its dramatic soundtrack. You only need to see the first couple of minutes to get the idea.

I also took a photo of my tumour – or, at least, the area which is being treated – reflected from inside the head of the machine on the floor.

The area they treat reflected on the floor. And you can see one of the infrared beams.

Then, I took one directly up into the head of the machine and got this image. The radiographer explained lead leaves fit round the treatment area and can move when the machine moves around me, shaping the beam of radiation to the tumour. It means the cancer cells in the tumour receive a high dose and normal healthy cells nearby receive a much lower dose. I think that was the explanation. I was so excited at the image I’d captured I’m not sure if I took in all she was telling me. The wonderful thing about the radiographers is they will explain it to me again and answer any other questions even though they must have answered them all countless times.

Isn’t that incredible? How can something so beautiful be trying to kill me?

It’s strange to think it will be 2021 when I write my next update. A few months ago, I wasn’t sure I’d see Christmas this year and now I’m looking forward to spring (hope I’m not tempting fate) and seeing the bulbs I planted in bloom and meeting Sue in April and Barb and welcoming a great niece into the world.

Wishing everyone all the best for 2021 – we all so much deserve a better year.

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Cancer Diary #15

Monday, December 14: When I met with the oncologist last Monday, I’d already received from the Edinburgh Cancer Centre my appoint for the planning scan (08 December) and the verification scan (16 December) and a complete schedule for radiotherapy treatments, starting on 21 December. 

The oncologist said she was thinking about making some changes to the schedule, perhaps delaying the start date. A week later I still haven’t heard what’s happening. As the accommodation previously provided for patients who have to travel a long distance has been closed – and I really do not want stay on a ward – the DH had booked a hotel room for me from the 21 December. He mentioned this to the oncologist as we need to know when to cancel it.

“Why aren’t you booking it through me?” she asked. “We take some rooms at that hotel and it wouldn’t cost you anything.” Behind out masks we gaped at her – this was the first we’d heard of accommodation being provided for me. We said we were very grateful. She said she couldn’t guarantee there would be a room available. Now, I don’t know when I start radiotherapy (I’ve been holding off writing this in case there was a letter in the post or a phone call today) or if I will have accommodation (other than in a ward). If I do start as originally scheduled I get to see my son as he will come through from Glasgow one day – if it’s later then I won’t see him at all over Christmas. Once again, we play the waiting game.

I know she is trying to extend the time I have to live but at the risk of sounding bloody ungrateful I am mightily ticked off about always being left in limbo waiting for other people to make decisions which affect my life, waiting for answers to my questions, having no direct access to my oncologist, not being able to make any plans.

And it isn’t just me. Sue is in the same position. It’s as if because we have cancer we won’t be doing anything that’s of any importance. The literature we are given talks about the stress of having cancer and the worry of how the treatment will affect us and if it will work. That’s fine. That’s expected. I can’t find anything, though (surely someone has done some research into this?), which talks about the stress and anxiety stemming from being left in the dark, questions unanswered – not to mention the feeling that my oncologist is far too busy to be contacted. Yes, I know that’s what the Cancer Specialist Nurse is for (apart from protecting her boss from patients) but she won’t have the answer to my question so I’ll still be left waiting until she contacts the oncologist to find out and gets back to me.

The day after meeting the oncologist the DH drove us to Edinburgh to the Cancer Centre at the Western General for the planning scan, preceded by the mask fitting. A very nice person talked me through the process and showed me a sample of a mask, and what it looks like before being moulded to fit the patient.

The plastic mesh before being softened

It went in a water bath to be softened, then was fitted over my face, neck and shoulders and screwed onto the table on which I was lying. I’d to wait until it dried terrified I’d need to cough before having it removed. Afterwards, I asked what to do if I did have to cough. “Just cough,” she said. I’m still wondering how. Swallowing felt difficult enough. I dressed, moved next door to the room with the scanner and undressed again. They gave me a ‘modesty cloth’ – a piece of paper about the size of two squares of kitchen roll. Fortunately, despite putting on so much weight since my cancer diagnosis I’m not a big girl and don’t have much to cover up. The mask was re-fitted, now feeling much tighter as it had cooled further, and it and I were screwed down again.

My mask

As always when undergoing scans, I close my eyes and wait until it’s over. This is a newer version of the CT scanner in Dumfries and while there was the sound of an aircraft preparing to take off – and land at the end – there were other sounds I’d not heard before – bells ringing, for one – and a feeling of a bright light washing over me. I’ll ask next time.

Made to measure – never realised what a big nose I have

For some more pictures of how the mask is made, take a look here. The really good thing about having to wear the mask is that I don’t have to keep my arms raised above my head, but can rest them at my side. And I can take it away with me as a souvenir when the treatment is finished.

While waiting for the DH to return for me, I went into the Maggie’s Centre across the road. Oh, my, what a find! I’ve known about the centres and the work they do in providing cancer support and information through support specialists, psychologists and benefits advisors. I live in Dumfries & Galloway, home to Maggie Keswick Jencks who founded the centres but I’d only read about them. I had no appointment but was met by friendly, welcoming staff who introduced themselves, provided coffee, chatted to us (the DH arrived mid-coffee), gave me all sorts of tips, a contact email address and – best of all – for the first time since my diagnosis I felt I was being seen as a person, not a patient. It was a glorious feeling.

When I’m in Edinburgh for my radiotherapy treatments, I’ll certainly be visiting again. And lobbying for one to open in Dumfries!

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Cancer Diary #14 Scan results and what’s next?

Monday, December 07: From last Monday to this, the side effects continued to linger – nothing specific just a general mixture of ‘meh-ness’ and fatigue.  Unfortunately, the breathlessness became worse. We did one of my favourite circular walks between Rockcliffe and Kippford – an area known as The Scottish Riviera. Last April, I blogged about it, calling it a short walk of 3.5 miles. You can read the post and see the pics here.

Last week, on a lovely bright day, I could have cried with frustration at how difficult I found this same walk. I’d have said it was mostly level and yet it suddenly seemed to have grown hills I didn’t even remember. I had to stop to catch my breath and did wonder if I’d have to stay in Kippford while the DH walked back to Rockcliffe for the car. However, I made it.

A couple of days later, we visited Neilson’s Monument on top of Barstobrick Hill near Ringford.

The monument was erected by his son in 1883, in memory of James Beaumont Neilson who invented the hot-blast furnace in 1828, which revolutionised the practice of smelting iron. I’ve always enjoyed the walk there as, though the hill is not high, the views are wonderful on a clear day.

I had to stop a couple of times to get my breath back – I mean I do always puff when climbing any hill but I never used to have to stop on the way to the monument. Although I skipped back down the hill with no problems I came home feeling pretty miserable.

Walking is a huge part of my life – with a walking group (in pre-Covid days), with my sister and her dog, with the DH, on my own – and to feel this is being taken away from me is devastating.

By the weekend, the prospect of today’s meeting with the oncologist to hear the scan result and decide on next steps looming large I was in no mood to attempt a walk. I hardly slept last night and when I did it was to dream of conversations with the oncologist.

I told her I was extremely anxious about the scan result so she agreed to discuss that first – last time we had a medical examination and lots of questions about how I’d been, when all the time I just wanted to know the result. This time, we got to that bit first – and – cheers all round – the tumour has indeed shrunk. Unfortunately they said it was difficult to measure so I don’t know by how much it has shrunk – but the juggernaut has stopped and gone into reverse.

The summary of the report says: “Interval reduction in the volume of the right upper lobe tumour with re-expansion of apical segment of the right upper lobe. Lymphadenopathy is stable. No new lung lesions. Abdominal scan is unremarkable.”

Don’t put away your kick ass boots yet, though, as there’s four weeks of radiotherapy to be gone through try to continue the shrinking process.

The oncologist repeated what she said at the beginning of this horrible journey, she is not expecting the treatment to be curative and, though she said it bring a cure for 1 in 8 patients, it seems clear I’m in the 7 in 8 category who can hope for some extended time. She says at least a year or two.

I’m not sure how I feel – very happy the chemo has done something to shrink the tumour a bit. I’d have been utterly squashed if shoving toxic chemicals into my body with the resulting horrible side effects had done nothing. Very nervous about what’s coming next. Very worried the radiotherapy side effects will make me feel worse than I do now. I guess they have to spell out the worst-case scenarios but really – throat so sore when I swallow I’ll need morphine strength painkillers or even a feeding tube; permanent scarring on my lung causing breathlessness.

As you can imagine, it’s a lot to take in and process. We recorded the discussion and have already listened to parts of it again. Tomorrow – Tuesday – I go to Edinburgh for the planning scan, which does not sound fun – lying completely still with my arms above my head for twenty minutes – and wearing a mask. Not the kind of mask we’re all wearing these days but something over my entire face and neck. I wonder if I’ll have the courage to ask someone to take a photo for the blog.

Please, keep those kick ass boots at the ready. Mine are!

MarySmith’sPlace ~ Cancer Diary #13

Monday, November 30: It’s now ten days since my last chemo and the side effects this time have lingered. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. If I knew I was facing another two cycles I’d be in despair. At one point this time I said, “If this is as bad as it gets – and it lifts, then I can cope. If this is as good as it gets – and it doesn’t lift, then it’s enough.”

Yes, I know some people go through many more cycles of chemo. I’m in awe of them. I don’t know how they do it. I really don’t think I could. I know some people have far worse side effects than I’ve had – but that doesn’t make me feel any better about the days I spend feeling like death warmed up. I can’t find a better way of describing what it feels like. It is certainly not living.

It’s not like after the chemo and the anti-nausea pills and steroids, I can just let the drugs do their thing and gradually leave my system. Oh, no, there’s the joy of five days of Filgrastim injections. These are to decrease the chance of infection in people having chemotherapy that decreases the number of neutrophils required to fight infection. They also help increase the number of white blood cells. They cause terrible back pain, right across my lower back. The first time I had the pain, I put it down to bad posture and lack of exercise – but when it disappeared only to return when taking the next course of the injections I’m pretty sure it’s the Filgrastim causing it.

Then, just before the course of injections is finished, it’s on to a fortnight of prophylactic antibiotics called Ciprofloxacin. Having looked up the side effects I’m a bit alarmed to see they shouldn’t be taken with blood thinners, which I’ve been on since those blood clots were found dancing about in my lungs. I take them based on the fact the doctor who prescribes them also prescribes the blood thinners. The antibiotics cause diarrhoea, which makes a change from constipation, but I do wonder if the oral medication is actually in my system long enough to be absorbed.

I’m sort of feeling OK today. I’m not as tired. The sore mouth has gone and there’s seems to be saliva enough. Out walking yesterday, the DH commented on how well I was doing. I didn’t slap him. But, I was not ‘doing well’. I had to pause to catch my breath on a walk which normally would be thought of as a wee stroll. Is this really as good as it gets?

Brambles in November – not that you could eat them as the Devil spits on them after September.
Castle Point, near Rockcliffe
The beach below Castle Point

I have my scan booked on Wednesday, December 02. The cancer specialist nurse rang on Thursday to say I’ll see the oncologist on Monday, December 07 though she didn’t know what time I’ve to meet the doctor. And, an appointment has been made in in Edinburgh the following day for the radiotherapy ‘planning meeting.’ No idea what time that appointment is either. It’s a two hour drive from here so it would be handy to know when we have to be there as if it’s an early morning appointment we’ll need to go up the night before. We are very fortunate that we can do this – what happens if it’s someone without a partner to drive them? Cancer patients have broken down immune systems so public transport isn’t an option. What about those who can’t afford overnight accommodation?

Of course, I suppose if the scan results aren’t what the oncologist is hoping for (a shrinking tumour), the appointment in Edinburgh won’t be necessary. Instead, there will be a whole different discussion on Monday. I’m getting my list of questions ready.

To end on something exciting – I’ve changed my car. My poor Toyota Corolla has done sterling service for 18 years but would never get through its next MOT. I’ve been dithering for ages about getting another car – how could I justify the expense when I don’t know for how long I will be around to drive it? Then, I decided, that was irrelevant. I’m still here and I need a trustworthy car so I’m now the proud owner of a new-to-me Clio.

Isn’t she lovely?

The day I’d to pick up the Clio and take the Corolla to the garage, it refused to start. That car never refused to start! I’m convinced its heart was broken.